Why Alligators Are Scarier Than Dating Taylor Swift

July 9, 2018

Can you imagine how devastating it would be to turn on the radio and hear your ex calling you an evil heartbreaker?  The ex-boyfriends of Taylor Swift can probably tell you what it feels like. For the past ten years, she’s been getting revenge by writing songs about the pain her former beaus have caused her.  With no way to defend yourself or tell your side of the story, this humiliation must be mortifying.  It’s amazing that famous men are still lining up to be her next fling! 

Facing the wrath of Taylor Swift is certainly frightening, but it’s not nearly as scary as being attacked by an alligator.  Did you know that with 2,960 pounds of force, the American Alligator has the most powerful bite ever recorded for a living animal?  They are master predators whose barbaric instincts have saved them from extinction.  Once their powerful jaws have a hold on you, your chances of escaping in one piece are slim.  Despite this horrid fact, thousands of tourists flock to places like the Florida Everglades every year to interact and observe this reptile in its natural habitat.  Being publicly disgraced to the whole world by Taylor Swift is traumatic, but because of their size, strength and hunting techniques, being attacked by an alligator is much worse. 

Their massive bodies and powerful chomp make the American alligator the most terrifying reptile on the planet.  An average male is 13-feet long and weighs 790 pounds…and they NEVER STOP GROWING.  The oldest recorded alligator lived to be 85 years old and was 15-feet long when he died.  The giant bodies of these carnivores are designed to hunt and capture prey, and they like to eat a lot.  In fact, they were blessed with a second aorta blood vessel to shunt blood away from their lungs and toward their stomach to stimulate the production of strong stomach acid to break down their food faster.  Juvenile alligators, or those less than ten years old, are capable of eating 23% of their body weight in one sitting.  That’s equivalent to a 180-pound human consuming 41 pounds of steak just in one meal! 

But stomach aches aren’t a problem for this carnivorous reptile.  The alligator’s stomach has a pH of 2.  That’s the same ranking as highly acidic substances such as lemon juice and vinegar.  What does this mean?  It means that a gator’s stomach is a rather hostile environment.  It also means that it can totally digest whole, soft-bodied prey in 2 to 3 days.  Harder, bonier prey will take anywhere from 13 to 100 days to fully digest.  Their enormous bodies, powerful chomps, and barbaric digestive systems make alligators chilling animals.

Speaking of non-picky diets, alligators are cannibals.  That’s right, the big alligators eat the small alligators.  In fact, in some Florida lakes, the adult alligators eat 6-7% of the juvenile population every year.  They are cold-blooded killers in the most literal sense.  If an alligator can eat its own young, then what ghastly thing wouldn’t it do to quench its hunger?

It isn’t just their eating habits that make them so creepy, it’s also how they hunt and capture their prey.  Alligators are innately excellent jumpers and despite their large bodies and short limbs, they can launch themselves 6-feet in the air from a rested state to attack their prey. 

Any brave zip liner would never make it to the other side of the lake in one piece if the alligator got a hold of her leg with its mighty jaws.   Alligators specialize in a spinning maneuver called a “death roll” to capture and, if necessary, dismember their prey.  After clamping its jaw down on the limb of unsuspecting prey, the alligator tenses up its body then draws in its arms and legs and prepares for the death roll.  Using its snout to create inertia, its large tail propels the animal with sheer force and power around and around, spiraling like a power drill.  In the most barbaric way possible, this explosive motion tears the limb right off its prey. 

The high probability of engaging with a gator in a death roll is a good reason why you should avoid water activities in infested wetlands.  Although alligators rarely attack humans, it’s not recommended to jump in the water and swim with them.  These reptiles are much more dynamic in the water than on land and can swim with speed and stamina.  It is harder for a human to escape an alligator attack in the water than it is on land because gators are better swimmers than runners.  They can lunge their massive bodies into a speedy sprint but lack the endurance to run very far. 

According to the Savannah River Ecology Laboratory at the University of Georgia, any splashing, such as a child jumping the in water, can be a signal to an alligator that there is an injured prey source and trigger their hunting instinct.  Most alligator safety is based on common sense, so at the very least when swimming in areas that are known habitats for these predators, don’t swim alone.

Death rolls aren’t the only way that alligators hunt their prey.  Although alligators don’t look like intelligent creatures, they are actually quite the Einsteins of their habitat.  They are master ambushers and will disguise themselves under the heavy vegetation of the lakeside.  They cover their big heads with sticks, leaves or any matter on the surface and hang out, waiting patiently for a potential food source. Birds swoop down to collect nesting materials, but end up being swallowed whole instead.  Never underestimate the patient, calculating alligator lurking under the surface or you might not make it out alive.

Despite the known dangers of encountering a live alligator, there is no shortage of humans who seek out physical confrontations with the dangerous creatures.  Gator wrestling, or “alligator capturing techniques,” is actually a sport.  It’s unclear why any sane person would want to play this sport, but nevertheless, there are schools in Florida that actually teach the wrangling technique.  A successful alligator capture begins by approaching the animal from behind and jumping on its back, landing your hands on its neck between its jaws and front legs and pushing down the head with all your might.  Since their jaws open from the bottom and not the top, pinning their head on the ground prevents their mouth from opening.  To prevent the animal from death rolling, your legs need to pin the alligator’s hind legs while keeping its feet from touching the ground.  When the alligator death rolls, the game is over and in addition to losing the match, you’ve probably also lost a body part.

Although they don’t have any vocal chords, alligators are excellent hissers and can bellow loudly when they feel threatened.  They basically use their breathing to create these terrifyingly loud noises.  Clearly, they’re not afraid to show their feelings when they’re being taunted by humans. 

Getting caught in an alligator’s death roll sounds about as terrifying as being Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriend. Swift is known for writing songs about her ex-boyfriends to get back at them for breaking her young fragile heart.  Being one of the most famous singers in the world, her songs reach millions of people across the world, which means that a lot of people will hear her side of the breakup story.  Swift-T is also well known for publicly blasting people on social media, particularly for her relentless and ongoing feud with hip-hop star Kanye West.  Although Swift and West never dated, his non-stop jabs at her inspired several tracks on her latest album Reputation that mock West and his wife Kim Kardashian West.  The claws came out in Swift’s music video for “Look What You Made Me Do” where she mocked Kardashian West’s robbery at gunpoint in Paris.  Swift isn’t afraid to throw hard punches at the people who hurt her, both in and out of romantic relationships, so any potential suitor should proceed with caution.

With a ten-year track record of recording songs about the men who have wronged her, agreeing to date her is like signing up to be her next muse.  Very few have escaped the wrath of her post-breakup lyrics since toxic relationships are the primary source for her inspiration.  She doesn’t go easy on them either!  In response to her song about him called “Dear John,” John Mayer told Rolling Stone Magazine that he was “really humiliated.”

“It made me feel terrible,” said Mayer.  “Because I didn’t deserve it.  I’m pretty good at taking accountability now, and I never did anything to deserve that.  It was a really lousy thing for her to do.”

TAYLOR SWIFT’S EX’S (AND THE SONGS SHE WROTE ABOUT THEM)

Joe Jonas (dated July 2008 – October 2008)

  • “Last Kiss”
  • “Forever and Always”
  • “Holy Ground”
  • “Better Than Revenge”
      • Here, she went a step further and poked at the actress Jonas broke up with her for by  singing, “She’s an actress, whoa, she’s better known for the things she does on the mattress, whoa.” 

Taylor Lautner (dated August 2009 – December 2009)

  • “Back To December”

John Mayer (dated December 2009 – February 2010)

  • “Dear John”

Jake Gyllenhaal (dated October 2010 – January 2011)

  • “We Are Never Getting Back Together”
  • “All Too Well”
  • “The Last Time”

Conor Kennedy (dated July 2012 – October 2012)

  • “Begin Again”

Harry Styles (dated December 2012 – January 2013)

  • “Style”
  • “I Knew You Were Trouble”

Calvin Harris (dated February 2015 – June 2016)

Tom Hiddleston (dated June 2016 – September 2016)

Joe Alwyn (current boyfriend)

TRENDS AND PATTERNS IN SWIFT’S DATING HISTORY

The most notable trend in Taylor Swift’s history of dating is the short duration of her relationships.  Sometimes only one to three months long, her relationships are short-lived and often end dramatically.  According to this relationship coach,”Short-lived relationships are usually an indication that you are either choosing the wrong type of person or that your insecurities around relationships are causing you to either leave too early. Or for similar reasons, your partner leaves you before the relationship has had a chance to develop.”

“A relationship brings us close together with another person both physically and emotionally.  Such intimacy will always bring up emotional issues and insecurities around unmet needs that both partners have subconsciously chosen not to deal with in their lives.  When this happens, the level of emotional pain increases to the point that one or both partners may bail out, rather than deal with the issues (this is part of what is called a power struggle.)  In many cases, this spoils what could otherwise develop into a long-term, successful relationship.”

Another obvious trend in Swift’s dating history is her preference for rich and famous Hollywood heartthrobs.  Ranging from singers and actors to socialites and DJs, every one of T Swizzle’s ex-beaus is a celebrity and a prominent figure in the public eye.  An interesting observation can be made regarding the nationalities of her famous mates right around December 2012.  After her fling with Conor Kennedy ended, so did her taste for American men.  Up until she began dating Harry Styles in December 2012, Swift only dated famous American men.  Since dating Harry Styles in December 2012, she has only dated male celebrities from the U.K. 

In more than one instance following a breakup, Swift has made a rapid rebound and jumped head first into another relationship.  The most publicized of these was her transition from the longest relationship she’s ever had (15 months)  with Scottish DJ Calvin Harris to her next relationship with British actor Tom Hiddleston.  Just two weeks after her split with Harris, Swift was publicly showing affection for her new boo, Hiddleston.  The same thing happened years before when she started dating singer John Mayer, who is also 12 years her senior, less than a month after splitting with actor Taylor Lautner.  Entering a relationship with someone on the rebound is a slippery slope that doesn’t often lead to success.

Dating Taylor Swift may leave you emotionally scarred, but the physical and psychological effects of being an alligator’s victim are much worse.  No one wants to be bad-mouthed by their ex, especially when the ex is a huge celebrity.  Given that a worldwide superstar can reach millions of people with their side of your break up story, the damage to your reputation can be exponentially worse.  However, if you are attacked by an alligator, both your heart and your physical body will be damaged.  The brutality of the alligator is unmatched by any other species on this planet.  For a happy and healthy life, stay away from both Taylor Swift and alligators!

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